hardofhearingchildren.com by PAM Candlish MLS
"What did you say?" "Eh?" "WHAT did you say?" "MM?" "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" oh "PARDON ME!"

What's New? Nov 2005  Manners

Dogs have strong Identifiable Rules.

Dogs have an innate social order which keeps the peace. New dogs meeting will have a sort of dance which determines who is boss dog in that relationship.  A wagging tail is a welcome, but facial expression, showing teeth, bristling hair on the back, or on the tail, the height of the tail is important too.  

The boss dog has earned the position through winning. Dominance is established by which dog makes himself smaller or younger...the other dog will stand on the lesser dog's back, or stand with his head over the lesser dog. My sister-in-law's dog Lady, an elderly border collie, is maladapted socially and insists on always being boss dog, even under my kitchen table over Shadow. my collie who ran the house. After standing over the shoulder of a dog she might allow in her group, her last step in the dog dance is to mount the other dog, which none of the other dogs will tolerate, even Aslana. I watch these two dogs together very carefully because Lady could do a lot of damage although Aslana would win. I choose Aslana as a slight aggressive puppy so she would not be a wuz as many shelties can be, hiding from loud noises.

Humans with their dogs on leashes seem to not understand that you cannot pull two dogs apart who are establishing boss, the dogs will fight for their position in the hierarchy, and because one dog has moved the other dog must eliminate him. None the less, once the pack has it social order according to the dog, the dogs meet and greet in that dominant, non-dominant relationship. This social order allows the species to be social, to play, hunt and feed and protect the young.

May I Introduce...

Introducing people has very strict rules too.  You introduce the man to the woman. You introduce the younger person to the older person, God was at the top, and did not need introductions, however his representative on earth were introduced to, as is the Queen, and the Judges in court. If you knew how to function in this very strict order,  you could win friends by establishing someone else as the oldest lady.

This human activity is exactly the same as the dogs meeting and greeting.

Exercise Before Sitting Down

So my thoughts transfer to the school situation with today's fairly aggressive spoiled lazy children. When I was a kid, I walked to school in the morning, home at lunch, back to school and home after school. I walked to the skating rinks, and I walked to ballet class after school, but I was picked up by my sister because the sun had set. The concept of sitting down at a desk was a welcome idea after all that walking. I think it is quite possible that the increased frequency of ADHD has two reasons, one that the system is looking for it, and two that the children do not burn off their physical energy before being expected to sit down.

Schools Taught Respect to the Teacher First

We had a framework of manners at school which involved being respectful to the teachers. When a teacher entered the room, the students stood up and stopped talking. When a teacher walked down the hall, the children stepped to the side of the hall to make way for the teacher.  If a student was sitting on the only chair, the student knew s/he must give the chair to the teacher. The teacher had to give the chair to the principal. The chair always went to the oldest or to a pregnant lady. 

I have encountered many teachers who had no manners themselves, and poor management skills over the line of  public bullying especially towards kids with handicaps mainstreamed in ordinary classes. The school system also bullies the parents into accepting less than their child with special needs needs to have as support at school to succeed. So I am not surprised when bullying develops at school. I also understand the anger and frustration which goes on and on unresolved by the bureaucracy at the expense of the child with special needs.

Say "Ta".

If you are only going to learn one word, "Ta." would be the word. It acknowledges a give- take relationship. When the child does not say or think "Ta." they become turned inwards. A long time ago at a week course at E.C. Drury, many parents of deaf kids thought they were making the child's life easier by providing and not demanding  a "Ta". "Ta" is  an early phoneme, and part of the give and take of communication between two people,  the first step towards a conversation.

Monkey See Monkey do.

PArents set the greatest example to the children. It is not enough to demand the child be polite. The family must be polite to each other, first as an example which is seen by everyone all the time. We know that hard of hearing kids need to hear everything at least ten times more than normal children, so too good manners need to be constantly used. Slightly raised voices to help the hohchild to hear in less than optimum hearing, always sound mad, or irritated, or scary. Thus it is important for the hard of hearing child to know that warm fuzzies are floating around. More hugs, as well as using the child's name before talking to him/her are the simple basic manners for communicating with anyone with a hearing loss. I spend a vast amount of time thinking someone is mad at me because I have asked for clarification on a statement which I did not hear correctly, and someone is PO'ed at having to repeat again.

I spent a lot of time working on my children's manners, especially Reid's because I knew he would be in difficult social situations where he heard but not well, and knowing what to do is always easier. Children who go to private school have manners drilled into them so they can handle upper management of companies in the future, or take diplomatic careers. If you want to know the single great difference between public and private schooling, it is the creation of manners.

Someone has to Teach Civilized Living to the Children.

Why do the teachers of today not insist on the respect which we were taught as soon as we got to school. I asked some friends who used to be teachers when this all happened. They said. "In the 1970's, it was felt that the children would blossom better without demanding respect." Well someone has to teach civilized living to the children. Recently I was walking around the grocery store with my cane when another lady with a child in the carrier seat pushed her cart right into me by accident, I said "Ow." She did not apologize and the child stared at me. If she had stopped and apologized, she would have shown that she actually cared about her own actions. The net effect was that I felt really angry, and I followed her around the store, trying to get up enough speech to give her a lecture. SO maybe she is one of the super moms who has a job and kids to cope with, and she thinks she is too tired to be polite. Tant pix for ca. I managed to be a super mom from what I did, and I maintained being polite all the time.

When you have a bunch of people with no manners, situations which previously might have been diffused with recognition and apology simply escalate to more anger and retaliation at home, at school and at work.

Not all the kids are lazy or horrible, not all the people are rude. I am pleased to report that  every child who dropped by my house on Hallowe'en said "Thank You."

If you missed my previous article on bi-polar children , here is the url

http://www.hardofhearingchildren.com/Great Information/bi polar children Oct 2005.htm

PAM Candlish

10 November 2005